WHAT THE ACTUAL FORK?
Looking to slip between bridges? Late for dinner? Wanna make sure you get from point A to point B without having to go all the way around to Z first? Well here it is!!! The Chromatic-Integrating Bridge-Tuning-Fork. No bridge in sight? Well that shouldn't keep you from inter-dimensional travel! With Crystore's new CIBT device you just point this fork toward the closest bridge to you, tune the dial to your desired bridge and watch this puppy tear a hole in time and space anywhere and (or) any-when. Live in perfect harmony when every bridge is just a few notes away.
Caution: this device should not be used for gardening, to tune kazoos, eat meals, split roads or rivers, assist with a lie, support wheels of any sort and/or as a method of attack during a chess match.
You too can savor the flavor. The latest addition to our Tri-Bridge Initiative, our Chimeric IceCream Bio Transmitter (CIBT) allows you to acquire your friend's and loved one's collective Bio-Impressions, with half the calories!
Used in tandem with our Handheld Calcite Defibrillator Crystal, the CIBT synthesizes a lifetime of memories (and trauma) into one of three delicious flavors: Vanilla, Chocolate, and coming soon, Nutmeg!
Lead by Dr. Skye Varelse on Blue Bridge, her research team is currently analyzing CIBT data transmitted from all three bridges.
Working alongside her recently teleported special guest from our own Green Bridge, she hopes to finally solve the mystery of her missing grandfather.
May the crystal oscillate you ever forward, Dr. Varelse.
Can you keep a secret? Neither can we.
Ladies, Gentlemen, Micro Pachyderms and Aquatic Land Mammals. We are thrilled to announce our first successful product transference from Blue Bridge.
For your edification, we humbly present to you, The Chimeric Interdimensional Bridge Transponder (CIBT):
Our new and improved Para-Frequency enabled Crystal Oscillator allows absolutely discreet micro glimpses into universes that run parallel to our own. Our research team is diligently calculating, recording, and mapping the Universes which most closely resemble our own. Who knows, perhaps in your own neighbor-verse you're the success you've always wanted to be!
While the ability to cross into these worlds physically has eluded us, we have great faith that Crystore Blue's newest team member, Dr. Skye Varelse, will lead the charge.
In Radiant Dictum!
DISCLAIMER: By entering this website and reading this post, you hereby release Crystore, Inc. of any and all liability for psychological, physical, or spiritual damage that you may incur as a result of spatial displacement occurring to yourself or loved ones within the next 24 hours. Have a nice day.
FOR THE GOOD OF ALL sentient beings, we present to you: the Handheld Calcite Defibrillator! This device generates surges in binary distress signals with unrivaled precision. When oscillated, the patinated vibrostatic hexological flow regulator, or "the crystal," controls the intensity of surges, allowing for precision communication and N.C. Strata bio- analysis throughout the Sigma Quadrant.
Our multilingual aquatic researchers have confirmed this product's qualified efficacy and integral originality in the quadratic tesselated diaspora. This was made with no ulterior purpose interference, whatsoever.
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! IT'S YOUR TURN TO BEAR THE CRYSTAL!
In Precise Clarity,
Penelope Breite, Solutions Manager, Crystore Green
Dolphin safe. No pholidots were harmed during research. Not approved for venomous aquatic mammals or nesting mega-icadyptes. Tetraodontiformally contraindicated.
VENGEANCE IS YOURS...
Inter-Dimensional-Interloping-Opposition-Traducers got you down? Do doppelganger dire-wolves have you wondering if your friends might not be who they say they are? Well look no further because we have the device for you.
Try Crystore’s new Colourmetric Interloping Bridge Translocator. Now you can send those pesky imposters and conspirators on their way with the push of a button. While this device may not send’em to hell, it’ll definitely send’em to Zorch. For only 5 easy installments of $7192.00 you can own the peace of mind that your nemesis are far- far (we mean really far) away.
Interdimensional-taxes and (or) fees may apply. This offer is only good while supplies last. Operators are standing by. Remember to take our customer survey to see if "It’s your turn to bear the crystal". (survey available soon)
*We at Crystore understand the importance of providing the best conditions under which to rear our near sentient-crystals, and that is why our expert lapidaries assure us that we use only the finest fair trade,free-range calcite crystal lattices.
Containment Impenetrable Butterfly Tesselatrix
Learning from mistakes is a part of life. Here at Crystore, we believe this to be true. So in humility we have returned to the drawing board, and come out the other side of our Chapel Perilous dazzling with new ideas! Now we present to you, the Containment Impenetrable Butterfly Tesselatrix (or C.I.B.T.)!
The tesselatrix is a flat, spheroid or toroid structure formed by a swarm of butterfly surveillance drones at a moment’s notice wherever needed. The drones are capable of repelling not only killer Zorch bees, but even murder hornets or any flying arthropod (wasp women excepted). Just activate the blue swarm by stating the passphrase: “Words without experience are meaningless.” This creation is in honor of, and will be sent interdimensionally to aid, Dr. Skye Varelse.
Royal Elixir Affinity Light Juice (REAL Juice)
RE-ALIGN TO THE LIGHT...
Made from the highest quality honey in any dimension, this liquid booster realigns and calibrates your spiritual matrix to the highest vibrations. Seek the truth. Find your center. Give up ragtime and smooth jazz. Join the collective. Bring color back into your life. Be One with your Highest Self for THE GOOD OF ALL.
Regular users of REAL Juice report super green sensations of relaxation and contentment, freedom from instructed work frequencies, and nefarious hole closure. Find your place of verdant tranquility, with REAL Juice.